So if there is one thing that all of us geeks love, it’s t-shirts that express our geekdom.  We wear shirts with Delorians, Ghostbusters symbols, heck even gory zombies, there really is no line that we cross anymore.  We love them because they are an unofficial uniform, they declare to all the other geeks of the world, “hey, look out, I fucking rule!”

Would I slap the wearer of this shirt hi-five? Hell yes.

To people who recognize said shirt, they get mad respect from us because they are part of the club, we are impressed by their knowledge, and suddenly have the urge to become friends with them.

We know why people make those shirts, they’re amazing…but there is another side of the t-shirt business none of us like to acknowledge.  A seedy underbelly that puts shame on all the faces of us who wear themed shirts year round.

The novelty shirt.

It can’t be anonymous if you are wearing the shirt!  It can’t!

Good fucking God these things are an abomination, not for the wearer…but for the viewer!  I’m going to paint you a picture, you’re at Wal-Mart, simply doing your shopping for product made in sweatshops and USA merchandise made in Pakistan, when you come across a “punny” t-shirt in their hazard containers.

Wal-Mart protects shirts more than employees.

When I say “punny” that’s pun and funny all rolled up into one word.  It’s like sushi without that fishy aftertaste.

Curious to see just what this Wal-Mart branded shirt says you lean in and read a possibility of 3 options…

1. F.B.I. (Female Body Inspector)

2. I Know H.T.M.L. (How To Meet Ladies)

3. World’s Biggest Midget (with a giant red arrow pointing to your dangle)

You sigh, not just for those IQ points that you just lost, but also at the fact that you see that several of these shirts are in fact, sold out.

“WHY WOULD ANYONE BUY THIS SHIT?” your inner voice shouts (which automatically sets you apart from people at Wal-Mart because they talk aloud to nobody).  Then the anger fades, and you move on with your life…until three days later when you’re at a concert.

You’re bobbing to the music hipping when other hop, all that jazz.  Then you see something from across the room.  It glares at you with an evil sneer, and you start moving closer.  It can’t be!  Could it?  No.  Nobody would be dumb enough to wear that.

It’s like they know I’m going to write a post

To your horror there is an obese man standing at the bar, he looks like he’s having trouble breathing, yet his shirt is just screaming at you.  It reads one of the following…

1. What’s a nice girl like you doing in a dirty mind like mine?

2. If fishing is a sport, I’m an athlete.

3. Instant genius (just add beer)

You chuck your beer to the ground and walk to the man, astonished that he really thinks that he is that awesome to wear that shirt.  He smells like cat food and sweat and it makes you gag, and all you can think as you try to hold back your insults is “he actually bought it thinking it was hilarious!”

Picture painted.

Look, to the people who wear those shirts, you’re stupid and I don’t like you…but to the people who manufacturer them, I HATE you.

Why?  Why would you subject this stupidity on humankind?  Are you working in cahoots with the stand-up comedian profession?  Are you that driven by greed?  I seriously want to understand why you would willingly make these shirts!  If you were in some third world country and these shirts are just terrible translations, then I’m cutting you slack…but I don’t think they are.

I think you were sitting in your house one night and thought, “You know that Sixth Sense movie?  That kid was creepy!  Hey…hey….hey, wife, remember when that kid said “I see dead people”…yeah that was awesome.  D’you remember that?  God I wish I had something to express how much I love that quote.  Oh wait hon, don’t we still have that silk screen press in the basement?”

Then you talked to your IT guy at work that hates your guts and you listened to him drone about how he hates endusers like you and you thought, “Wait just a minute…people LOVE funny acronyms…and they love it when you can add a skewed definition to it too!  Jackpot!”

The worst part about this whole situation…PEOPLE BUY THESE!  I can’t tell you how many shirts I’ve seen that are camouflage and say “You can’t see me”.  ARE WE THAT TAPPED FOR HUMOR PEOPLE!

There was no point to this post, other than to express my undying hatred for people that make and wear these shirts.  You’re dumb.