Before I begin, credit on this theory goes to FatGuy.

If you have ever seen the 2002 film, Signs, by M. Night Shyamalan, then you undoubtedly walked away from it saying the exact same sentence everyone else in the entire world said, “what the living fuck?”  The movie, as it is portrayed, made as much sense as people who think they look good with Oompa Loompa self-tanning and Howard The Duck face lips.

It was at this point I was going to make a joke about how all you had to do was type “ugly bitch” into Google and you would see what I was talking about, but Google beat me to it.  the above picture is the first on the

For those living outside the grid, Signs is about Braveheart, Johnnie Cash, the less talented Culken, and Little Rock living on a farm where aliens come to make artistic patterns in their corn fields, fuck up Mexican birthday parties, do gym class vert leap tests and get locked in pantries. That’s about all there is to the plot.  Other than that, Commodus used to be a baseball player, Leathal Weapon used to be a preacher, Igby Goes Down is making aluminum foil hats and Little Miss Sunshine is obsessed with being lazy and not putting away her dishes.  I should plot summaries for IMDB.

For a movie to have an element of fear, there must be something in said film to be afraid of.  For something in the film to be afraid of, in the way they are portraying it, this thing has to be unearthly.  Unnatural.  If it was just some dude going around making noises and making the crop circles, the movie would’ve ended sooner with Madmax busting in some crop-stealers’ heads.  I am not complaining, I would’ve loved that, but it didn’t go down that way.

Shamalamadingdong looked through all his movies at home and picked up Psycho and Jaws and said, “fuck you, I know scary.”  Perhaps… but you also lack the very fundamentals of what scary is.  At it’s very core, regardless of situation, location or reality, the scary has to be believable over all.  And when intergalactic space travelers who have harnessed the power and knowledge of light speed travel in space are confined and trapped by wooden doors, you lose validity in your fear.

I have mastered math and physics your brain can not help to comprehend, but this wooden pantry door is boggling me.

The biggest problem with the film is this: these aliens must be smart.  They can leap 20 feet in the air, they have, as previously stated, master interstellar planetary travel, cloaking / invisibility or ships and selves,and their only weakness is water.  Shit! Where did we put all that water we had lying around Earth??

So, they are intelligent… they look at Earth and say, “This is where we are going to go live, now.”

“But sir, my scanners say the planet is covered by 70% of the evil liquid that kills us on contact.”

“Remember our battle cry, fellow warriors!  LEEEEEEROOOOOOY JEEENNNNKINS!”

ERMAHGERD! MERKSHAKAHN BERFDAH PARTESH!

So putting aside these assholes go traipsing through the corn fields that any one who has ever been near a farm is littered with dew and moisture, they are pretty fucking stupid to come to the only planet in our solar system with liquified water elements in almost every part of the world and it’s living creatures and plants.  This is the equivalent of naked humans traveling to the broken shards of glass and rusty razor blade planet where the oxygen is replaced with battery acid.  Come to think of it, I have been to Arkansas before.  I smell a time share!

At the end of the film, if I am ruining this for you, you should probably stop reading about 5 paragraphs before this, The Patriot tells Max “8mm” California to swing away.  Little did they all realize that Megan Clover had been leaving all her fucking dishes all over the fucking house!  Yay for procrastination!  This is the turning point for the villainous aliens … as they get wet.

Bitch, please.  100 piece puzzle?  What are you, a ret…oh sorry, Mr. Culkin, I didn’t see you there.

It was at this moment the entire world let out a collective gasp of “waaaattthhhaaafuckkkk?” As we get to this long-worded point, let’s rewind and watch this in a different way:

OK.  Let’s change some things and bring some things to light.

Those aren’t crop circles.  Those are Satanic ritual symbols all over lapping to create something like a portal opening to Hell.

The Rapture has already happened, but in a much more believable sense.  It happened gradually and without a big bang, rather with a slow dissolve over time, leaving people feeling god-less and hollow.  Taking away their sense of a god and simply left feeling worthless.

There are no aliens.  I know, you’re saying, “Junk, dude, I can see them right there in that picture you posted.”  No.  Those are not aliens, those my friends are demons.  When Mel Gibson is able to hold one of the demons in the closet it isn’t because the “alien” simply forgot how to think and use reason and intelligent to simply unhinge the door or, you know, open it, it’s because with Mel’s remaining faith he has blessed the door and locked it with holy elements, making it impossible for the hell-spawn to escape.

 

In the beginning of the film we find out that Mel Gibson’s wife had died in a car crash caused by M Night, similar to how we felt after watching the film, so that was a pleasant nod of fore-shadowing to the audience as our emotions came into view.  During her final moments of life, she tells her husband to let Joaquinn Phoenix to “swing away” and that their daughter is “special.”  This eludes to the whole leaving water everywhere… but what if there was more to it?

What if the girl was divinely holy, talking D&D Cleric-esque holy here.  And all that water she had been leaving out, yeah, you guessed correctly, holy water.  She had been blessing it as she filled up the glasses.  Demons don’t do well with holy water.  Demons die.  Mel gets his faith back.  Abigail goes on to star in one of my favorite zombie films ever.

Signs… explained.  Happy Boozinga.