Oh good, you’re all registered at the Eviltorium!  Your evil name is almost ready to be shouted to the heavens by those of your choosing.  So put down your evil blueprints for your destructinator rays and take a deep breath.  Where are you going to build all these nefarious devices?  Yeah…you hadn’t thought of that had you?  What you need…is a lair.

You shouldn’t settle for just any old lair though.  Doesn’t matter how cheap the rent is on that apartment in Hell’s Kitchen, doesn’t matter that they allow all pets (a clause you’ll really want in your lease), it has to look the part inside and out.  I mean, have you ever seen any sort of evil lair that hasn’t been underwater or shaped like a skull or something? NO!

Not an evil lair.

My personal evil lair is several layers under the Earth’s crust, surrounded by hot lava and velociraptor fossils of doom.  Ok, first thing is first, open your email (evilmail) and check the current listings for lairs you should have received when you registered at your Eviltorium.

Ok good, now, a lot of these places you can take at face value, the pictures pretty much speak for themselves.  Also, don’t be alarmed when you see the price of the lair.  Remember, you’re evil…you don’t pay for anything!  In fact, you don’t DO ANYTHING at all really, other than brainstorm.  Your income is just a mystery to you as it is to everyone else.

Now quick tip for safe lair choices.  Pretty much anything made of/surrounded by rocks, lava, water are safe bets.  If they resemble something evil as well, or have a permanent thunderstorm only above them, is perfect.

So, once you choose your lair you’re going to have to furnish it.  I mean, these things don’t come pre-furnished, are you crazy?

I’ll tell you some great additions that you’ll want to have.

• Evil movie posters – pick some of your favorites and display them neatly framed and hung on the walls.

In this version, they want the nothing.

• A DVD collection of all evil movies (for inspiration when you feel defeated)
• Stainless steel everything – it’s easy to clean, and very cold (this gives people that unsettling feeling you want, and puts them on edge)
• A giant pool filled with evil animals.  Sharks, piranha, angler fish (they look creepy as hell)

I’M A FUCKING ANGLER FISH!  LOOK AT ME!

Also, I would recommend hiring out a really evil contractor to help you custom install things like trapdoors and a good pulley system above the pool of dangerous water beasts.

Ok we’ll put the pulley system over the tank.  Then, when the people start to bleed, it’ll just fall in the water and get the piranha all riled up.  I think this is my best work yet evil couple.

That’s it folks!  Once you get all these steps accomplished we can start working on your master plan!

Have a great evil lair?  Send me your pictures and we’ll put them up in a new post.  Just like they do on EGTV (Evil Gardening TV)!