So Dick Van Dyke (I’ll let you finish snickering at his name before we continue)…recently came out and told a pretty amazing story the other day.

According to Dyke, once, while surfing…he FELL ASLEEP ON HIS BOARD IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FUCKING OCEAN.  Only to wake to find fins circling him.

The 84-year-old  goes on to say:

“I woke up out of sight of land,  I started paddling with the swells and I started seeing fins swimming around me and I thought ‘I’m dead!’  They turned out to be porpoises, And they pushed me all the way to shore.”

….

Keep your kids off acid parents.

Remember that scene in Marry Poppins where they dance with penguins shouting gibberish words like “supercalafragilisticexpialidocious”, and all of us looked at each other and thought…”They had to have been high as hell thinking this shit up?

That’s my reaction to the story…on so many levels.

First of all….WHAT! You fell asleep on a slender piece of wood in the middle of the ocean?  I know you’re 84 now, and this took place years ago…but how many?!

Secondly…what are you Aquaman?  You happened to call out to some porpoises and the pushed you to shore?

This is how it happened in his mind.

This is how it really happened…he simply woke up from his dream.

No…no, none of this adds up.  Dick Van Dyke, here are two more plausible explanations to that story.

1.  While acting out the 35th take of the Dick Van Dyke Show introduction, he fell over the ottoman just a little too rough and passed out.  When he awoke he wasn’t in the Pacific Ocean…no.  Dick was floating in a sea of Nutella spread and marshmallow fluff looking up at the rainbow sky as unicorns flew overhead.

And Spin Doctor’s played the whole time.

2. He was just super fucking high, and it all was a lucid dream.  In the future I would recommend keeping some sort of journal for when your baked, and just log the date and time, your home address and what you did that day after smoking that fatty.  It’s just safety.

I…I just don’t know what else to say about this…this is the most absurd story I’ve heard ever.

But it has to be true right?  Dick Van Dyke made sure of that when he stressed this great point to the media to ensure that everyone believed him by saying:

“I’m not kidding.”

Thanks